Last night I had trouble sleeping. I kept falling in and out of sleep, and I started to feel frustrated because of it. At some point I woke up after a dream. This dream was with such a powerful message for me, and so I feel inspired to write about it, sharing this experience.
The dream started with me sitting in what looked like a bar. There were no lights on, and the vibe was one of grief and misery. The people there came for a specific reason, and that was to read their poems out loud in front of a crowd. Poems about painful experiences, that they were trying to find resolution for, in order to integrate them…
This was a very conscious created event, with the specific purpose of healing and becoming whole. The person hosting this event was a woman (a spiritual teacher in real life that I often dream about when I seek healing). She sat on a chair with a hoodie covering her head.
I also wanted to read out my poem in front of the crowd, because I felt in need of resolution regarding my ex-boyfriend, wanting to release painful patterns by forgiving him.
I started to approach this woman, as she was the one arranging the event, and I wanted to get up on stage. As I moved closer to her, she began speaking to me, still with her face fully covered. She started to explain the main reason of the event, and that in order to become whole, we have to acknowledge and realize the root of our pain. She told me that I was not seeing the real wound.
Right after she ended her sentence, I felt how my consciousness were being dragged out of the bar, and back to the perspective of my body in the 3rd dimension, while simultaneously hearing an inner voice saying to me “you have to forgive Yourself”. I then felt the sensation of someone wrapping their arms around me in a gentle way, while then lifting me up to the point where i woke up because of it.
I felt confused, as I always do waking up like this, but I also knew and understood the message right away. I was aware that this experience had happened in a way of getting my attention, because this new insight I had just received, was far too important for me to forget.
I felt how my heart was beating heavy and fast. I always get a little tense after having experiences like this one, even though I appreciate them a lot.
I decided to grab my phone and look through Facebook, as a way to feel calm and relaxed again. As I scrolled down my timeline, a certain sentence got my attention. It was from Lee Harris, a person I follow as he often has great insights, that I resonate with a lot.
This sentence made me realize, that this too was a part of why I had to wake up, in order to move in the direction of self-forgivness. The sentence was this: “I give myself my own love”.
I felt how powerful this statement was, and I immediately did as he suggested; I placed my hands on my heart while saying “I give myself my own love”. My heart reacted in that exact moment and I physically felt how a part of it was hurting. As I was feeling into this sensation, I realized that my own heart had built up walls against me. It had done this, because it could not trust, that I would make the best decisions for it, which is true. I started to visualize myself speaking to my heart, telling it that I understood why its walls were there, and that I would not ever try to break them down, or force myself through them, but that I accepted them for being there, even if they would be there forever, and that this wouldn’t make me love it less.
I promised my heart that from now on, I would do my absolute best, to always consider it before making a decision, so as to make sure that my decisions will always be in my hearts best interest. I started to feel little cracks in the walls, letting in my love to it, as I repeated the sentence “I give myself my own love”. It felt incredibly healing knowing, that I could give myself that very love, that I try to give away to others, in the hopes of having it return to me.
This makes love feel much more pure to me, because I know that my love will not be giving in an attempt to get it back. It will be giving, because I have filled up my own cup to the degree, that love can not help but to overflow.