I’m in the process of discovering a side of me that I disowned when I was a child, and therefore have neglected for a long time. I’m trying to study myself and the patterns in my life, so as to figure out why I disowned it in the first place. It’s an aspect of me that is represented by the element of fire.
Fire is something I’ve been afraid of most of my life. I’ve had experiences with fire that was unpleasant (fire in our house when I was younger for one thing) and I always thought this was the reason why I feared it so much. I’m starting to realize now though, that I was afraid of what fire symbolizes, long before I experienced an actual fire, and that the experience of the actual fire might “just” have been a reflection of my own fears, and so it manifested in that way…
I love how the weather sometimes reflects your emotions to perfection. It becomes the mirror you need the most, and that in itself is healing.
I have one of those days today. The sky is covered in dark clouds, with raindrops gently falling from them.
I have always loved the rain, but when I was younger I would hide this because it made me feel weird. It seemed like everyone would always get in a state of panic, seeking shelter as soon as they felt raindrops against their skin. Like the rain was something to really avoid and run away from. I do understand though, why people don’t want to get wet, or have their hair messed up, or their make-up.. Or to freeze with soaking wet clothes on. So yes.. I understand that perspective. I guess it makes a lot of sense really, not wanting to be outside when it rains, and I guess that is exactly why I felt so weird about actually liking it…
Last night I had trouble sleeping. I kept falling in and out of sleep, and I started to feel frustrated because of it. At some point I woke up after a dream. This dream was with such a powerful message for me, and so I feel inspired to write about it, sharing this experience.
The dream started with me sitting in what looked like a bar. There were no lights on, and the vibe was one of grief and misery. The people there came for a specific reason, and that was to read their poems out loud in front of a crowd. Poems about painful experiences, that they were trying to find resolution for, in order to integrate them…
Do you ever feel as if there isn’t enough room in your body? I have often felt like this as a painful sensation in my chest and solar plexus area. In a long time I wondered why.
It started 3-4 years back. I remember that I sometimes tried to prepare myself to die, because of the amount of pain that I was in, and because of the feeling that something was seriously wrong with my body.
When people heal, transform and evolve, it affects those around them.
As I become more aware of myself, I notice when people close to me are affected by the choices I am making. I pay very close attention to this when it happens. But a couple of days ago, I was the one who was affected by someone else’s transformation, my fathers.
Me and some of my family was on a vacation together. We were sitting on the balcony, drinking our morning coffee. Within a couple of minutes, my father told us that he wanted to share something with us.
Last night I watched a documentary about people suffering from OCD (obsessive compulsive disorder).
As I listened to the different people talking about their experiences I was very touched as I could relate to almost everyway word they spoke, and the pain that they were in.
I have had OCD as well, and it is only very few people I have told this. Suffering from OCD is very lonely and can be isolating. OCD is often made fun of, and its very much a taboo subject, which is also why I have tried my best to hide it.
Last night I had a dream that woke me up with a smile on my face.
I was laying in my bed and woke up with a strange feeling. When I looked to my left side, I saw myself sitting there. I observed her for a while. She didn’t know that I was there, all she was doing was look down at her phone. She didn’t look happy, angry or sad. She was just there. I sat up in my bed and she noticed me right away. She looked me straight in the eyes without blinking at any moment. I was terrified at first and thought of many different ways that could get me out of this situation, including waking up. But instead of escaping, I chose to keep eye contact as a way of showing her that I would not go away. I would not disappear and abandon her, as I had done before. Without taking my eyes from hers, I moved closer to her and said, “I just want you to know that I love you”. Her eyes softened and she smiled at me. In that moment our bodies melted together and we became one, once again.
Have you ever been with someone that made you feel like the most wanted and unwanted at the same time?
I’ve had a hard time understanding this contradiction. It is one of the most confusing experiences related to other people I’ve ever had, I think.
The more I think about it and the deeper I look, the more I see a pattern that stems from my childhood, and these people and situations that make me feel this contradiction, are reflecting it perfectly.
To feel wanted one minute and then completely unwanted the next is so draining and very hurtful. In a lot of my intimate relationships I now see this pattern of me trying to maintain a connection, that I didn’t even sought out to begin with. I see a pattern of someone really wanting to create some sort of connection with me, just to let go of it a little while after. The way it makes me feel is that they regret to have made the connection in the first place, or that they just don’t care enough about it to keep it. I am very much aware of this being my perception.
From the very start the flower intuitively knows to follow the sunlight, and so it does. As it continues to grow it quickly realizes that it is a harsh environment to grow in.
Sometimes I imagine myself as a flower. Beautiful but fragile.
A couple of months ago I was really depressed and I started to have anxiety attacks whenever I was pushing myself to do things I didn’t really wanted to do. I started to isolate myself and at one point I had a lot of dark thoughts, and it scared me.
Now I am in a place where I feel good about my life. A little while ago I looked back on these last couple of months to try and see what changes I made that actually transformed my life into something I now enjoy. I want to share this process because someone might find it useful to apply in their own life.