Year Of The Butterfly

alan-emery-119331

The year of 2018 actually brings me hope of happiness. I have a feeling that everything that I’ve experienced in my past, and especially in the last three years of my life, they will finally start making sense – like a lot! I’ve been in a vicious cycle (very painful most of the time) and for every year it would be more and more intense, and with that more and more unbearable.

The last period of 2017, I really felt how the universe was taking away the last “things” in my life that no longer served me. Changes like that are never easy or even welcomed, but they are necessary.
It made me feel like giving up and that I couldn’t continue like this forever. It felt like panic and chaos, but then for some reason, it shifted. I’m not sure what happened exactly, but somehow I felt the shift and felt much more calm, and with that everything started to clear up…

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The Element Of Fire

fire

I’m in the process of discovering a side of me that I disowned when I was a child, and therefore have neglected for a long time. I’m trying to study myself and the patterns in my life, so as to figure out why I disowned it in the first place. It’s an aspect of me that is represented by the element of fire.

Fire is something I’ve been afraid of most of my life. I’ve had experiences with fire that was unpleasant (fire in our house when I was younger for one thing) and I always thought this was the reason why I feared it so much. I’m starting to realize now though, that I was afraid of what fire symbolizes, long before I experienced an actual fire, and that the experience of the actual fire might “just” have been a reflection of my own fears, and so it manifested in that way…

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Rain As My Healer

Rain

I love how the weather sometimes reflects your emotions to perfection. It becomes the mirror you need the most, and that in itself is healing.

I have one of those days today. The sky is covered in dark clouds, with raindrops gently falling from them.

I have always loved the rain, but when I was younger I would hide this because it made me feel weird. It seemed like everyone would always get in a state of panic, seeking shelter as soon as they felt raindrops against their skin. Like the rain was something to really avoid and run away from. I do understand though, why people don’t want to get wet, or have their hair messed up, or their make-up.. Or to freeze with soaking wet clothes on. So yes.. I understand that perspective. I guess it makes a lot of sense really, not wanting to be outside when it rains, and I guess that is exactly why I felt so weird about actually liking it…

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Coping With Life

coping

I am so tired of coping with life. It seems like society is built on coping strategies, and not so much else. Happiness becomes this abstract goal that we can never truly reach, because all we know how to do, is to cope.

When we grow up without the right type of emotional support and guidance, and are not able to find closure or solutions to our painful experiences, we have to find strategies in order to cope with those experiences and to move on. If we don’t do this as children, we don’t stand a chance, so there is no choice. Therefore it is understandable and probably a very important mechanism when growing up. The problem is that we are unaware of our own strategies, and so we continue using them in our adult life…

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Sun and Moon; restoring the balance

solar eclipse

Since the solar eclipse I’ve been feeling a lot of anxiety, but without really being able to place it or figure out why. This solar eclipse in Leo has been all about integration and unity.

In the last month I’ve been seeing lions everywhere, and been hearing or seeing the word, “Leo” several times. I’ve seen it as tattoos, one with a lion and a woman merging and becoming one. I’ve heard the name Leo twice within the same hour and the list goes on. I knew this solar eclipse would have some great insight for me, as I believe it has for so many. It has been a very powerful time, also very chaotic…

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Grow Together

Together

What do I really want? I’ve noticed that for a long time now, my number one priority has been to feel connected and have a sense of belonging. It’s only within this past week though, that I’ve truly come to the awareness, that I have to give this desire a more active role in my life…

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Integrating My Shadow Aspect

Shadow aspect

The past two years have been such a rollercoaster. It has had the highest of high and the lowest of low. I’ve been extremely happy at times, and I’ve been extremely depressed, to the point where I could not see the meaning of life anymore.

The last month I’ve been feeling sad, confused and on the verge of depression again. Life has not been feeling good. Life has not made sense, and even though I know that life is a hologram in which we learn, and that even the dark night of the soul will eventually end, I have simply not felt like it was worth it. But then, a couple of days ago, I had a breakthrough. I gained a new understanding that made the pieces I’ve collected over the years, come together and form a picture that actually makes sense to me…

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Open To Life

Heaven

A couple of weeks ago, me and one of my best friends decided to travel to London for a few days. I’ve been feeling drawn to that place for about 2 years, and it felt awesome when I finally had the chance to make this trip a reality. I did not know what to expect, I just felt destiny calling and I was excited to figure out what this was all about…

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What Is Your Purpose?

Exploring

Since I was young I have been wondering about my purpose. In my teen years I spend a lot of time searching for it, but without ever really finding it. It was a great deal of stress to me. I tried one job after another, and I tried out many different educations as well, but without ever having that Heureka moment, that I was so desperately trying to have. This year I came to a realization, and it made me stop chasing my purpose, for the first time in my life.

The realization was this; I’ve been searching for my purpose (to the point where it was painful) because I needed it in order to validate my existence…

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Emotional Starvation

desert

Some days I feel a deep, inner void that makes me feel completely empty. It’s a part of me that needs attention and care, but does not get it. It is starving.

Emotional starvation is something all of us have experienced at some point in our lives. It is when a need is not being met, and that part of us goes unnoticed. That aspect is suffering to the degree, that it feels like it’s dying. When we are unaware of this aspect of ourselves, the feeling of desperation completely takes over, and because of this many of us seek to fulfill the need in unhealthy ways…

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