What do I really want? I’ve noticed that for a long time now, my number one priority has been to feel connected and have a sense of belonging. It’s only within this past week though, that I’ve truly come to the awareness, that I have to give this desire a more active role in my life…
Last night I had trouble sleeping. I kept falling in and out of sleep, and I started to feel frustrated because of it. At some point I woke up after a dream. This dream was with such a powerful message for me, and so I feel inspired to write about it, sharing this experience.
The dream started with me sitting in what looked like a bar. There were no lights on, and the vibe was one of grief and misery. The people there came for a specific reason, and that was to read their poems out loud in front of a crowd. Poems about painful experiences, that they were trying to find resolution for, in order to integrate them…
We live in a world today where everything and everyone has to be defined as something we already know. I feel this need myself. It is easier, and it gives a sense of certainty when we judge people to be or act a certain way.
Im starting to realize, how much of an impact and control my physical appearance have had on me, and still has to some degree.
I have never really felt a sense of belonging anywhere, at any point in my life. When I look back on my teenage years, I see a girl desperately trying to find a place to fit in. To fit in somewhere indicates that we have to fulfill a certain standard, which means we have to look a certain way, act a certain way, speak a certain way and so on. This also means that we are not being our true selves…
Everyday at some point, we get to make our decisions based on either love or fear. As I wrote in previous post (Choose Love), I refuse to let fear control me, I refuse to be afraid of the world and the people in it, I want to choose love.
But by consciously knowing that I want to choose and be guided by love, doesn’t mean that I am actually doing that, at least not in every aspect of my life.
Last night I did not get much sleep. I felt a fear creeping in and taking over. I can’t remember the last time I felt fear. It was a reflection of how this fear is taking over the world right now.
Fear did control me last night with horrible thoughts and images, and I felt sadness for everyone involved in the tragedy in Nice.
I was not able to relax or think of anything else, even though I tried my best. Fear was in complete control.
Today when I woke up, I decided that I will not let fear control my life, it must not happen. I refuse to be afraid of the world that I live in.
I do not help myself and others by living in a state of fear, I do not help the world to become a better place, if fear is the one making my decisions.
What I will do is to choose love. I want to live in a world where we are guided by love, and not controlled by fear. I know a lot of people feel the same way and are ready to make that happen.
In order for us to make a better world, what we must do is to already live in that world that we wish to create.
Love last forever, fear does not. Choose Love.
Most of us have a role or a mask that we take on in our relations with other people. I know mine (or one of them), I am the pleaser. I am the one that so desperately wants to be good, and to be seen as such. But I am ready to take it off now, even though I feel a bit nervous in doing so.
I have always aimed to do everything perfectly, even though that isn’t possible of course. But that have always been my goal, and whenever I felt like I made a mistake, I would be furious at myself and make sure, that I would never make that same mistake again.
A while ago a met a person that ended up having a big impact on me. I remember feeling the chemistry being there right away, it was almost as if I already knew him. It was so easy for me to communicate my thoughts and feelings without being afraid of being judged, something I wasn’t used to at that point in my life. He made me feel so safe in his company, like I could do or say anything I wanted to. I very quickly felt a deep connection with him, and as it usually takes a while before I start feeling that with someone, I knew this was special. It was amazing to me that I so easily, and without even trying, accepted all of him. It was without that feeling of wanting something to change about him, and not because I thought he was perfect, because I didn’t, but because I appreciated his entire being.
I read a very inspiring quote this morning and it has been stuck with me since. I thought I knew what it meant to receive love, but today is the first time I actually really feel the meaning of it.
My whole life I have been playing everything safe. I was very emotional as a child, but as I got older I stopped showing and even feeling my emotions. I have always been very careful of how I expressed my emotions, not just romantically, but in every aspect of my life. I have been shielding myself from the outside and I see now how the limitations have been surrounding me for so long, my own creations, holding me down. There are so many experiences in my life where I haven’t been able to take in the good energy of joy and happiness, because those feelings don’t go very well with the limitations and restrictions I have been creating to be by my side everywhere I go.