The past two years have been such a rollercoaster. It has had the highest of high and the lowest of low. I’ve been extremely happy at times, and I’ve been extremely depressed, to the point where I could not see the meaning of life anymore.
The last month I’ve been feeling sad, confused and on the verge of depression again. Life has not been feeling good. Life has not made sense, and even though I know that life is a hologram in which we learn, and that even the dark night of the soul will eventually end, I have simply not felt like it was worth it. But then, a couple of days ago, I had a breakthrough. I gained a new understanding that made the pieces I’ve collected over the years, come together and form a picture that actually makes sense to me…
When I first started to consciously study and learn about spirituality, the topics I found myself drawn to was about chakras, extraterrestrials, other dimensions and so on. I loved learning more about each topic and even though I still do, the reality is that I used it as an attempt to get away from my own life.
Spirituality became my distraction and a tool to look outside myself for every answer. It was a resistance to the present moment, and the desire to escape it…
Some days I feel a deep, inner void that makes me feel completely empty. It’s a part of me that needs attention and care, but does not get it. It is starving.
Emotional starvation is something all of us have experienced at some point in our lives. It is when a need is not being met, and that part of us goes unnoticed. That aspect is suffering to the degree, that it feels like it’s dying. When we are unaware of this aspect of ourselves, the feeling of desperation completely takes over, and because of this many of us seek to fulfill the need in unhealthy ways…
When you reach out and are not caught, that is really painful. It is especially painful when you do not know, how to make what you need clear to your surroundings.
This past week I have been feeling my whole body buzzing, but as an internal feeling. I didn’t know why, but I was definitely not at ease.
I felt hopeless because I was not able to identify what was wrong, and looking at my outer reality, I could sense that something was off as well. My sister, my dad and my dog got sick. Nothing serious, but with that dis-ease in them as well.
In the last 7 months or so, I have been having days where I have felt intense emotional pain, that seemed to come out of nowhere.
I’m currently in the state of awakening to the truth of what this pain is, and to understand why it keeps coming back…
This weekend I did a meditation that was so amazing, that I have to share some of it. This relates to my last post, and it confirms that I am getting in contact with aspects of me that I have forgotten.
“As I close my eyes I start paying attention to my breath. I feel its natural flow of entering and leaving my body. I feel how it slows down and gets heavier by every breath that I take. I notice the sensations that arises in my body when I feel how the darkness of the room surrounds me, normally I don’t like the dark, but this time it feels completely safe to me. I can feel my mind surrender to the relaxed state of my body, and the next thing I know, I am standing inside my own body.
Last night I had a dream that woke me up with a smile on my face.
I was laying in my bed and woke up with a strange feeling. When I looked to my left side, I saw myself sitting there. I observed her for a while. She didn’t know that I was there, all she was doing was look down at her phone. She didn’t look happy, angry or sad. She was just there. I sat up in my bed and she noticed me right away. She looked me straight in the eyes without blinking at any moment. I was terrified at first and thought of many different ways that could get me out of this situation, including waking up. But instead of escaping, I chose to keep eye contact as a way of showing her that I would not go away. I would not disappear and abandon her, as I had done before. Without taking my eyes from hers, I moved closer to her and said, “I just want you to know that I love you”. Her eyes softened and she smiled at me. In that moment our bodies melted together and we became one, once again.
I just got home from a walk with my dog in the forest. As we walked I saw how dark clouds were taking over the entire sky, making the sunlight disappear. The wind came in gusts and I felt a couple of raindrops landing near my left eye. For every step I took it seemed like the weather got more and more uncontrolable. The trees were moving from one side to the other in rapid movement, to the point where it looked like some of them would not be able to stand their ground. Several leaves swirled around in circles as a mini tornado. I felt like it was a perfect reflection of my emotions. The weather was mirroring my own internal world for today, messy. As me and my dog were passing the last couple of trees in the forest, the wind were so strong that I had to push forward to not take a couple of steps back.
A couple of nights ago I had a weird dream mixed with sleep paralysis (something I have experienced a lot).
In this dream I felt something or someone was sitting above my head, holding my arms so that I could not move, while something or someone else was transmitting energy to me through my stomach. It was a very warm and soothing energy, so that part of it didn’t feel wrong or frightening. The feeling of being paralyzed and something holding on to me, that was very frightening though. As I woke up (I was not able to relax through it, I was resisting it and desperately trying to wake myself up the entire time), I felt what had happened was some sort of process, and not something that was done for me, not against me.
“When we’re buying something we’re not paying with money, we’re paying with the time from our lives we had to spend to earn that money. The thing is, you can’t buy life. Life just goes by, and it’s terrible to waste your life losing your freedom.”Jose Mujica