What do I really want? I’ve noticed that for a long time now, my number one priority has been to feel connected and have a sense of belonging. It’s only within this past week though, that I’ve truly come to the awareness, that I have to give this desire a more active role in my life…
When we have a desire we have to go in the direction of that which we want. To unwant something we want is not possible, so instead of unconsciously trying to create our desires to come true, it is easier instead to go directly for it. I’ve been telling myself that this is what I have done. I’ve admitted to what it is that I want, connection. But my actions have not always been in alignment with that, so the results in my outer reality have instead been the opposite of what I wanted, loneliness.
Today I had the opportunity to meet with a shaman. Something I have done before, and it was a great experience, with intense soul growth of integrating fragmented aspects of myself. This morning I’ve been in conflict with myself, because of the fact that I love diving deep into the shadows, raising my frequency and expanding (and this is definitely a great catalyst for doing just that). But I just didn’t feel called in that direction for some reason. It almost felt like I would betray myself, if I chose to go down that path today. The conflict was created because I felt like the right thing to do to become more conscious, was to go on the shamanic journey, and I didn’t want to miss a great opportunity for growth, and later on regretting not going. At the same time my feelings and intuition have been telling me not to go. The last couple of days I’ve been unsure whether it was actually my intuition speaking or if it was a fear.
I’ve come to the conclusion, that because my top priority is connection with others, that has to be the stepping stone from which my actions are taking from. And going on an inner, intense journey right now, that is an action that contradicts what I really want. I want to grow with somebody at this time, not alone.
I’ve practiced mindfulness for a while now, and I feel myself not worrying a lot about the future and living more in each moment. I’ve also become more aware of the fact, that there is no finish line. There is no place to go or reach, because we’re on a never ending journey of expanding and becoming more, in every second of the day. This awareness makes it easier for me to trust myself and my journey, because I can not get it wrong. The opportunity for growth is everywhere all the time, you can not escape it, even if you wanted to. So from that point, making decisions, even decisions that are based on fear, will serve you in some way, which for me makes everything much less stressful.
I want to meet my need in the most direct way that I possibly can. And that is why my purpose right now, is to create connection and to feel a sense of belonging. All of my energy is being moved in this direction, until a new desire arises. This means that all of my actions must align with this intention, so as to create the reality I wish to see for myself.
I don’t have a specific plan of how to achieve this desire, all I will try to do, is to feel in each moment which decisions bring me closer to what I want, and then choose and trust that path. Fear or intuition, time will tell, just make a move and truth will reveal itself in due time. Just remember, you can not get life wrong.