The past two years have been such a rollercoaster. It has had the highest of high and the lowest of low. I’ve been extremely happy at times, and I’ve been extremely depressed, to the point where I could not see the meaning of life anymore.
The last month I’ve been feeling sad, confused and on the verge of depression again. Life has not been feeling good. Life has not made sense, and even though I know that life is a hologram in which we learn, and that even the dark night of the soul will eventually end, I have simply not felt like it was worth it. But then, a couple of days ago, I had a breakthrough. I gained a new understanding that made the pieces I’ve collected over the years, come together and form a picture that actually makes sense to me…
Since I consciously began my spiritual journey, my dating life has been the most confusing and frustrating part of my life. It has opened up my heart and forced me to feel and trust love again, which I am grateful for, but it has also broken my heart in what feels like a million pieces, forcing me to be with my pain and do nothing but that. I have done a lot of inner work, integrating a lot of fragmented aspects of myself, which I am also grateful for, happy about actually! But at the same time it has been extremely painful.
What has been the most difficult, has been to see and feel how my dating experience has kept repeating itself, even after my process of integration. I have sometimes felt completely defeated. Knowing about the rules that governs this universe, I knew that there was some major aspect I had not yet communicated with on a conscious level, and because of this it was still my point of attraction.
While dating a man not too long ago, someone I had completely fallen for, I tried to practice the art of non-attachment. I did this because I was so afraid, that I would end up being destroyed emotionally.
It turned out, that he could not commit to me, in the way I needed him to. As we “agreed” to not see each other anymore, my depression came back. The feelings of extreme pain and loneliness, that I had experienced last year, were back.
But it did feel a little different this time, I felt more in control and that had a sense of empowerment to it. It didn’t last too long before I had an epiphany, which was triggered by the word Namaste. I have known for a long time now, that essentially we are all one, but it was in this moment that I truly understood in my heart, what it means for others to be our mirrors. My perspective of the man I had just been dating, completely shifted, and what I saw in his reflection was now an aspect of myself, that I had neglected for a long time.
An aspect that did not want to receive love or give love, because she was never truly loved for all of her being. This aspect of me is free, independent and confident. She lets no one stand in her way. She is a goddess, and she knows this. She has been my shadow aspect. She has been condemned for being this way, also by me. She has watched the people who was supposed to love her, turning their back on her, and so she had turned her back against them and everyone else, believing that she could never trust anyone to meet her needs, but herself.
As I connected with this aspect, I felt her sadness and grief, and I understood her pain. I told her that I would never abandon her again, and that I love her for all that she is. I felt how she opened up and decided to trust me and to let love in. The reunion made me feel extremely happy, because I felt how a missing piece had finally come to its right place again.
This new understanding has made me feel, that the past two years of pain has been worth it. I feel a huge amount of gratitude towards this person, that I now see has been my absolute perfect mirror. Without you I wouldn’t have been able to connect with this beautiful aspect of myself. And therefore I can only appreciate you, as you have shown me the truth.
I now see you as me, in a way I don’t even know how to explain with words, as it is a feeling based understanding. It is the feeling of Oneness.
What we have to remember is that everyone is our mirrors, they are messengers that helps us discover unhealed parts of ourselves, so that we can integrate them and become whole once again. Separation is what causes loneliness and suffering, but separation truly is an illusion, although it is a convincing one. This experience made me realize, that integration is what creates unity within me and therefore in my external world. Unity is Oneness, which is the true meaning of Namaste; no superiority, no inferiority.. Not even equal. I understand now. We are One.