In many years I was afraid of expressing myself. Most of my life actually, this was a very terrifying thing for me to do.
When I got older I started to draw a lot, but I would never show those drawings to anyone. When I started writing, I would never share any of it, not even to the people closest to me. The thought of being judged by others and not having them understand my art, not having them understand me, was too scary. For that reason I chose to keep all of it inside myself and hide my art. The fear of rejection was bigger than the pain of being invisible…
Have you ever had friends that you considered to be really close with, to later find out that this is not the reality? That what you thought was a great friendship, was not at all that great?
Today I have.
The entire day today have made me stay in bed and not get up until now, 6 pm. I have been struggling with the feeling of grief for a friendship, that I’ve just realized was never a real friendship, at least not in my definition of what a friendship is…
In the last 7 months or so, I have been having days where I have felt intense emotional pain, that seemed to come out of nowhere.
I’m currently in the state of awakening to the truth of what this pain is, and to understand why it keeps coming back…
Do you ever feel as if there isn’t enough room in your body? I have often felt like this as a painful sensation in my chest and solar plexus area. In a long time I wondered why.
It started 3-4 years back. I remember that I sometimes tried to prepare myself to die, because of the amount of pain that I was in, and because of the feeling that something was seriously wrong with my body.
Everyday at some point, we get to make our decisions based on either love or fear. As I wrote in previous post (Choose Love), I refuse to let fear control me, I refuse to be afraid of the world and the people in it, I want to choose love.
But by consciously knowing that I want to choose and be guided by love, doesn’t mean that I am actually doing that, at least not in every aspect of my life.
Who do you want to be?
Don’t be who the world wants you to be, be who you want to be.
Be the one making yourself happy, and watch how your world will transform by mirroring that happiness back to you in every aspect of your life.
When people heal, transform and evolve, it affects those around them.
As I become more aware of myself, I notice when people close to me are affected by the choices I am making. I pay very close attention to this when it happens. But a couple of days ago, I was the one who was affected by someone else’s transformation, my fathers.
Me and some of my family was on a vacation together. We were sitting on the balcony, drinking our morning coffee. Within a couple of minutes, my father told us that he wanted to share something with us.
Last night I did not get much sleep. I felt a fear creeping in and taking over. I can’t remember the last time I felt fear. It was a reflection of how this fear is taking over the world right now.
Fear did control me last night with horrible thoughts and images, and I felt sadness for everyone involved in the tragedy in Nice.
I was not able to relax or think of anything else, even though I tried my best. Fear was in complete control.
Today when I woke up, I decided that I will not let fear control my life, it must not happen. I refuse to be afraid of the world that I live in.
I do not help myself and others by living in a state of fear, I do not help the world to become a better place, if fear is the one making my decisions.
What I will do is to choose love. I want to live in a world where we are guided by love, and not controlled by fear. I know a lot of people feel the same way and are ready to make that happen.
In order for us to make a better world, what we must do is to already live in that world that we wish to create.
Love last forever, fear does not. Choose Love.
Last night I watched a documentary about people suffering from OCD (obsessive compulsive disorder).
As I listened to the different people talking about their experiences I was very touched as I could relate to almost everyway word they spoke, and the pain that they were in.
I have had OCD as well, and it is only very few people I have told this. Suffering from OCD is very lonely and can be isolating. OCD is often made fun of, and its very much a taboo subject, which is also why I have tried my best to hide it.
This weekend I did a meditation that was so amazing, that I have to share some of it. This relates to my last post, and it confirms that I am getting in contact with aspects of me that I have forgotten.
“As I close my eyes I start paying attention to my breath. I feel its natural flow of entering and leaving my body. I feel how it slows down and gets heavier by every breath that I take. I notice the sensations that arises in my body when I feel how the darkness of the room surrounds me, normally I don’t like the dark, but this time it feels completely safe to me. I can feel my mind surrender to the relaxed state of my body, and the next thing I know, I am standing inside my own body.