Last night I did not get much sleep. I felt a fear creeping in and taking over. I can’t remember the last time I felt fear. It was a reflection of how this fear is taking over the world right now.
Fear did control me last night with horrible thoughts and images, and I felt sadness for everyone involved in the tragedy in Nice.
I was not able to relax or think of anything else, even though I tried my best. Fear was in complete control.
Today when I woke up, I decided that I will not let fear control my life, it must not happen. I refuse to be afraid of the world that I live in.
I do not help myself and others by living in a state of fear, I do not help the world to become a better place, if fear is the one making my decisions.
What I will do is to choose love. I want to live in a world where we are guided by love, and not controlled by fear. I know a lot of people feel the same way and are ready to make that happen.
In order for us to make a better world, what we must do is to already live in that world that we wish to create.
Love last forever, fear does not. Choose Love.
Last night I watched a documentary about people suffering from OCD (obsessive compulsive disorder).
As I listened to the different people talking about their experiences I was very touched as I could relate to almost everyway word they spoke, and the pain that they were in.
I have had OCD as well, and it is only very few people I have told this. Suffering from OCD is very lonely and can be isolating. OCD is often made fun of, and its very much a taboo subject, which is also why I have tried my best to hide it.
This weekend I did a meditation that was so amazing, that I have to share some of it. This relates to my last post, and it confirms that I am getting in contact with aspects of me that I have forgotten.
“As I close my eyes I start paying attention to my breath. I feel its natural flow of entering and leaving my body. I feel how it slows down and gets heavier by every breath that I take. I notice the sensations that arises in my body when I feel how the darkness of the room surrounds me, normally I don’t like the dark, but this time it feels completely safe to me. I can feel my mind surrender to the relaxed state of my body, and the next thing I know, I am standing inside my own body.
Last night I had a dream that woke me up with a smile on my face.
I was laying in my bed and woke up with a strange feeling. When I looked to my left side, I saw myself sitting there. I observed her for a while. She didn’t know that I was there, all she was doing was look down at her phone. She didn’t look happy, angry or sad. She was just there. I sat up in my bed and she noticed me right away. She looked me straight in the eyes without blinking at any moment. I was terrified at first and thought of many different ways that could get me out of this situation, including waking up. But instead of escaping, I chose to keep eye contact as a way of showing her that I would not go away. I would not disappear and abandon her, as I had done before. Without taking my eyes from hers, I moved closer to her and said, “I just want you to know that I love you”. Her eyes softened and she smiled at me. In that moment our bodies melted together and we became one, once again.
Have you ever been with someone that made you feel like the most wanted and unwanted at the same time?
I’ve had a hard time understanding this contradiction. It is one of the most confusing experiences related to other people I’ve ever had, I think.
The more I think about it and the deeper I look, the more I see a pattern that stems from my childhood, and these people and situations that make me feel this contradiction, are reflecting it perfectly.
To feel wanted one minute and then completely unwanted the next is so draining and very hurtful. In a lot of my intimate relationships I now see this pattern of me trying to maintain a connection, that I didn’t even sought out to begin with. I see a pattern of someone really wanting to create some sort of connection with me, just to let go of it a little while after. The way it makes me feel is that they regret to have made the connection in the first place, or that they just don’t care enough about it to keep it. I am very much aware of this being my perception.
Definition of inspiration: ”something that makes someone want to do something or that gives someone an idea about what to do or create : a force or influence that inspires someone”
To give an advice to someone is to also inspire them, isn’t it? An inspirational thought of how they might do something differently than what they have done previously, in order to change a certain situation. But usually for them to be inspired by our advice, we need to follow them ourselves.
In my last post I write about being and feeling lonely and isolated. I am becoming more and more aware of the fact that most of us are actually feeling this way, or at least we recognize these emotions.
I decided to make a (very) short video about this, just to let anyone out there know that they are not alone, even though it feels like it.
If you resonate with this and watch the video, I hope you enjoy it. And if any of you have something you want to share with me, please do so! Blessings
Do you ever feel lonely?
Sometimes I feel as if I am air. I feel like people know that I’m there, but they don’t see me.
I think a lot of people today suffer from this belief, that they are not seen for whom they are.
Sometimes I feel like it requires more energy than I have, for me to try to make people see and understand me. I’m introverted, maybe that has something to do with it, but I don’t really think that’s why. It’s not easy showing the core of who you are to a society that is so judgemental as it is. That is what anxiety comes from. Worrying about what other people think of you, to the degree that you’re pleasing everyone around you as an attempt to fit in, trying to feel a connection.
Today I feel like giving up. The dominant feeling inside of me the last couple of days has been the feeling of doom. I don’t know why it’s there, but it is. I don’t know what to do to make it go away and to feel better.
To follow my own advice, I guess I need to be completely with this feeling without judgement, even though it is extremely difficult for me to do, because it feels like surrendering to the end.
From the very start the flower intuitively knows to follow the sunlight, and so it does. As it continues to grow it quickly realizes that it is a harsh environment to grow in.
Sometimes I imagine myself as a flower. Beautiful but fragile.