Most of us have a role or a mask that we take on in our relations with other people. I know mine (or one of them), I am the pleaser. I am the one that so desperately wants to be good, and to be seen as such. But I am ready to take it off now, even though I feel a bit nervous in doing so.
I have always aimed to do everything perfectly, even though that isn’t possible of course. But that have always been my goal, and whenever I felt like I made a mistake, I would be furious at myself and make sure, that I would never make that same mistake again.
A couple of days ago I read something, somewhere, that made me think of this role that I have been taking my whole life. I have been aware of it for a while now, but I havn’t been aware of why, until now.
I have been taking this role in order to feel like I am being a good person. It is especially clear when I think back on the romantic relationships that I have been in. I was the one who would always do the right thing and sacrifice a lot (maybe even without my partners knowledge of me doing that), so that I could never be the one to blame for doing something wrong or being bad.
I would rather have someone hurt me than the other way around, because whenever I’ve hurt someone, I would feel so bad about myself, that I felt like I wasn’t justified to even exist.
I have been defining my own worthiness by the people in my life, instead of by myself. I have been completely dependent on what other people thought of me in order to feel worthy of being alive.
This role has not just been a painful behaviour towards myself though, but also towards people around me, again especially in my romantic relationships.
For there to be the good person, there will have to be its opposite, the bad or wrong person.
It has never been my intention to hurt others in a way for myself to feel worthy. It has never been my intention to make others look bad in order for me to look good, and I am sorry for that.
I am glad to have recognized the reason behind my role of trying to be perfect. It takes of the pressure of me having to be good in order to be appreciated and loved. And I know it will lead to much more authentic relationships in the future, which I am very excited about.
When we know our own worth, we will automatically attract people in our lives that will recognize this as well without us having to proof that we are worthy of love.