I’m in the process of discovering a side of me that I disowned when I was a child, and therefore have neglected for a long time. I’m trying to study myself and the patterns in my life, so as to figure out why I disowned it in the first place. It’s an aspect of me that is represented by the element of fire.
Fire is something I’ve been afraid of most of my life. I’ve had experiences with fire that was unpleasant (fire in our house when I was younger for one thing) and I always thought this was the reason why I feared it so much. I’m starting to realize now though, that I was afraid of what fire symbolizes, long before I experienced an actual fire, and that the experience of the actual fire might “just” have been a reflection of my own fears, and so it manifested in that way…
The element of Fire represent passion, drive and motivation. It’s a masculine driven element, and it takes action, with no hesitation. It knows what it wants and needs, and it is not afraid of going after it the minute the desire arises. With that said, this is the opposite of who I’ve been my entire life. The minute I feel a desire in myself, I do not take action. I think about it, I reflect and analyze it to the point where I don’t dare taking any action, because I’ve already seen the potential of a negative outcome. My projects only go so far and no longer, the same with my ideas and even my communication with other people. Literally in all aspects of my life I’m not comfortable leaving my comfort zone and taking any risks.
In not taking any risks, one is not really living or experiencing life. It therefore becomes empty. I don’t feel empty in life all the time, but I do miss the magic of it.
Being aware of all this, I know now that I’m a very passive person. I prefer staying in my comfort zone, and I’ve even been told this by many different people throughout my life. I always knew this was the truth, but I wasn’t ready, at the time, to do anything about it. Now though I feel much more trust and control in myself, and in my ability to keep myself safe when leaving my comfort zone.
I also see now, how passivity has been a pattern (in specific ares of life) for some of my family members. Being passive has multiple layers and I start to understand why I was raised (unconsciously) in that way. It’s a way of staying safe, or so is the belief. It’s a way of staying humble and make sure one doesn’t act like one is better than others, or so is the belief. It’s a form of control, because there is no self trust. No trust in one’s own ability to create a life that feels good and that feels safe.
It’s a pattern I’m sure has been going on in my family for a long time, passed on from one generation to the next and so on. This is why becoming conscious is so important, so as to change the beliefs that are no longer working for us.
Being raised with the beliefs I just mentioned, was what caused “the fire” in me to be hidden. It’s the feeling of having an internal flame being put out. My passion, my drive, my motivation, my creativity and my ability to take action, all being “put out”, rejected. And so I became passive.
I will say, that passivity has taught me a lot. There are positive and negative things about both, being passive and being one that takes action. The positive things about being passive, is that I learned to be reflective. I have a great inner world and a great capacity to feel when and what my heart is speaking to me. I’m a great listener, and I feel deeply. Being passive I learned how to be present and to feel good in stillness, and in my own company. This helps me in meditation and to listen quietly to my intuition. It helps me to write, and to take my time to formulate my complex thoughts into words, that I then get to share with you. There are many great things I’ve gained from being passive.
Though I have learned a lot, not being in alignment with the opposite aspect (for me , action) will create a lack. And this lack makes it so I can only go this far. All my life I’ve had trouble getting my ideas and creative projects to the finish line. Most of them doesn’t even make it out of my own thoughts. This is why I’ve always attracted people into my life that was great at making things happen. They would usually lack the ability to ground themselves and they would usually not finish one project before starting the next.
This is why they would attract people like me into their lives, because I reflect what they have suppressed, and they reflect what I have suppressed, serving as the perfect mirror for each other.
I feel a deep desire to align with my fire element again. I feel an emptiness now, knowing that it is “missing”. When I was young I would always be drawn to the movie characters that were the most adventurous. Those who would always go for what they desired, without hesitation. This need of mine, being like those characters, has probably been my most suppressed need, and from a very young age. I feel very happy that I’ve become aware of this. It feels like a huge piece of the puzzle (that is me) has revealed itself, and now I just have to place it right, in order for the picture to make sense.
I’m excited to dive deeper into this process and to hopefully finding a balance. Learning when to take action and when to take a back seat to the experience of life. To me this symbolizes a beautiful coherence between the divine masculine and the divine feminine; Listening to what your heart is desiring, and then going straight after it with the knowing and confidence, that what you want already belongs to you.