Wanted and Unwanted

Have you ever been with someone that made you feel like the most wanted and unwanted at the same time?

I’ve had a hard time understanding this contradiction. It is one of the most confusing experiences related to other people I’ve ever had, I think.

The more I think about it and the deeper I look, the more I see a pattern that stems from my childhood, and these people and situations that make me feel this contradiction, are reflecting it perfectly.

To feel wanted one minute and then completely unwanted the next is so draining and very hurtful. In a lot of my intimate relationships I now see this pattern of me trying to maintain a connection, that I didn’t even sought out to begin with. I see a pattern of someone really wanting to create some sort of connection with me, just to let go of it a little while after. The way it makes me feel is that they regret to have made the connection in the first place, or that they just don’t care enough about it to keep it. I am very much aware of this being my perception.

Today I figured out which memory that has kept on manifesting itself through these experiences.

The pattern of feeling wanted to then feeling unwanted stems from when I was born. My mother told me once, that one of her biggest wishes when she was a child, was to become a mother. Then when she had me and realized, that having a child wasn’t going to be anything like she had imagined it to be, she felt overwhelmed. Her surprise of what having a child really meant has caused me to feel like I was no longer wanted. This wasn’t how the situation really was, but to me as a newborn, that was how I perceived it.

The thing is, that when we are young children (0-8 years old) we perceive the world and our experiences through our emotions. We have not yet developed the skill to view and understand a situation logically. That is why it’s so important for us to go back to those memories when we want to heal and transform.

Now that I’v taken a look at that specific memory, I can actually understand my mothers point of view by being overwhelmed, instead of me only feeling it. I also understand, that for her to be overwhelmed by having a child for the first time, doesn’t mean that she regretted having me, it doesn’t mean I am unwanted.

I see how this pattern has been a big part of my life relative to other people. The most recent relationship, where a deeper sense of connection was established, has been the clearest regarding this pattern.

Sometimes awareness is all it takes to change a certain pattern, other times we need to dive deeper. This time I needed to dive, and then dive a little more.

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  1. I had a female acquaintance once say, half-jokingly, half-seriously, “I’m turning into my mother.”

    She was a bit of a spiritual teacher for me when I got back from India. I needed someone to show me that Western, and not just Eastern people, could be extremely spiritual. And she was it. Quite a bit younger than me. Pretty wild at times. But ultimately a lifesaver.

    Anyhow, I digress. It seems a lot of people come to understand their parents better when they get a bit older. I did too.

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